Xmas

Wake up late.
Drink 2 litres of coffee.
Smoke 5 packets of cigarettes.
Drink 3 bottles of wine.
Eat nothing.

Enjoy your thoughts!

Prepare your return to the States, because the country you are working at now lacks structure and operates in a non linear way; so non linear that ti makes it impossible for you to build the future...

Bloody Xmas

[...] What's left there for us then? [...]

[...] We can do whatever pleases us.
But knowledge can be painful, so I pledge for ignorance. [...]

[...] With our secrets. [...]

[...]But what I am experiencing now is not a "Merry Christmas"!

[...] I want to go back at the States. It's easier for me to live there. A total stranger amongst others. Why do I even bother coming here for Xmas? I only have a nice time with a couple of friends and that's all! I could invite them at York and spent the holidays there...It would be just nice...

But here, it's a nightmare. So many memories...

Tired

I'm tired.
I didn't ask for the life given, but it was given to me nevertheless.
I tried to do my best with it; of course I could do better.
[...]
Too much stress, too much pain, too many thoughts...
So, I'm stuck here!
Stuck here wishing for an instant relief...

Secrets and hypocrisy

The gap between us is growing bigger. Soon I won't be able to reach you. Distance makes us strangers. I don't know what you dream of now. I'm certain that everything is different. What used to be your wish, no longer is. And you keep cutting me off. What I learn about you is only what you want me to learn. Secrets. Fragments of a truth much different than yours.

If I ever return, I don't think that you could recognize me. I've changed and keep changing. I used to be someone else and now I am a completely different person with other needs and wishes. Perhaps I want to live abroad forever. Will you come with me and experience the alien dream? At the same time, I hesitate to inform you about my decisions and I wait for you to get tired by the distance. The ever growing distance. We are like the continents.
[...]
What is worst? To imply that something is wrong, like you do? Or to act as if I were innocent, like I do?
Who is the biggest liar? Me or you?

And, after all, what does that mean about our relationship?

Ι will write

My confused mind and my fatigued soul search for ways to get relieved. Exposing oneself to the public is a sort of solution. Noone could guarantee what the result may be, but I'll seize the opportunity. And I will write...I don't know what's for me to gain and what's to lose. But I feel I have no other choise. Either this or introversion and silence. Silence is a much more worse torture.

I know what is around the corner

I will start falling shortly. And a fall it will be, because I imagine that after entering the rabbit's burrow, the tunnel will soon get narrower and will end to a hole and the only way to continue would be to try to go down, to descend. But the ground would be soft and I won't be able to hold and will fall...